Into the Cave

Relate to this? You've had a wonderful few weeks with your man. Lots of contact and affection, much of it initiated by him. Romantic evenings, hot nights in bed, tender words, fun, laughter and easy companionship. It feels like you're walking on a cloud and you never, ever want to come down. You even feel a little sorry for all those women out there who complain that they're lonely, don't understand their partner's silences and long for more company and TLC. You want to shout to the treetops that a healthy relationship is possible, that women really can be emotionally fulfilled and connected to a man. It's just that you have to choose the right one. You know you got lucky - you made the right choice. It's beautiful...and as you kiss him goodbye, you smile to yourself, knowing that he'll be right back here in your arms before the end of the day.

Until he isn't. Until you're halfway through cooking dinner and he still hasn't walked through the door. No drama. Sometimes he runs a little late - what with that high pressure job and all - but he always calls you and lets you know when he'll be in.

Until he doesn't. But still, he's probably tired and taking a nap before he heads over to your house...like he does every night. So you give him time to catch a little shut-eye and then you pick up the phone. He doesn't answer. You feel a stab of anxiety, mild and irritating. But you're a grown, rational woman...you stay calm. You try his mobile number...it's switched off. Determined not to become one of those panicky types who monitor their man's whereabouts, you play it cool. You know he'll call by before the end of the evening ... a light supper, a glass of wine...a little amour. Like he always does.

Until he doesn't. You sleep fitfully, used to his arms around you and worried now about what might be wrong. You wake early the next day feeling like hell, go to work determined not to let the dark circles show and you don't mention it to anyone. You don't want to join that cozy little group of women who cluck and fuss and jolly each other out of the doldrums...the doldrums that hit them when their menfolk start acting weird. Absent. Cold. No, you don't want to be one of them.

When you come home you find it difficult to concentrate...he hasn't called yet. He will. He never lets two days go by without speaking to you.

Until now...

Aha...you're beginning to get the drift. For some women these painful absences are short-lived but frequent. For others, more sporadic but also more drawn out. It can be weeks before the LOYL (light of your life) reappears. And it hurts. A lot. You don't know what you've done wrong? Don't even think about it...you probably haven't done a thing and if you have, chances are you'll know all about it. You've probably spent endless hours thinking about it...and him.

The fact that these unpredictable detachments are usually quite sudden serves to make them even more cruel. For you, nothing has changed and you don't want it to change. But you have no say in the matter, do you? I know I don't. And the mere fact of not being in any way in control of this aspect of your life makes it all the more devastating. Enough psych studies out there have shown that one of the most stressful things a person can go through is a lack of control over the things that affect them. So there you are...not in control...stressed...hurt...lonely...missing him.

Wouldn't it be nice to know what he's going through? A woman would have told you by now; discussed it; shared it; halved the burden; let you know she still loves you and is just going through a hard time or two. But she still needs you. Men? Well, it seems they don't. Or perhaps they do...but forget to tell us. That can be dangerous; for them as well as for us. When does his emotional, even physical absence, become betrayal? When is enough enough?

And why am I so hung up on this at the moment? Because that's what I'm going through. It's hard enough when you live in the same house, or even close by, but for me it's been a long distance relationship. When he doesn't call, doesn't answer the phone, doesn't answer my emails or instant messages...well, frankly, he could be dead. I don't know. Let me tell you it sucks. Has he changed his mind about us? I don't know. Has he met someone else? I don't know. Is the distance too much for him to handle? I don't know. Is he ill? I don't know...I don't know...I don't know.

And so I go a little crazy. But I don't let it show...oh, no...I don't want to be one of that cozy little group you see. I want my relationship to work. To be strong. I want to have made the right choice. Two brief phone calls, one of which we were cut off from, is all I've had in the last 4 weeks - with no explanation. Yes, it hurts...it cuts deeply.

So if there are any brave men out there who happen to read to the end of this post, I have this to say to you. "Stay out of the god-damned cave! It's uncivilized.'

To the light of my life, I still love you because I'm more than a bit stubborn. But I tell you something.... if I wanted a cold and silent partner, I'd have bought a salamander.