Into the Cave

Relate to this? You've had a wonderful few weeks with your man. Lots of contact and affection, much of it initiated by him. Romantic evenings, hot nights in bed, tender words, fun, laughter and easy companionship. It feels like you're walking on a cloud and you never, ever want to come down. You even feel a little sorry for all those women out there who complain that they're lonely, don't understand their partner's silences and long for more company and TLC. You want to shout to the treetops that a healthy relationship is possible, that women really can be emotionally fulfilled and connected to a man. It's just that you have to choose the right one. You know you got lucky - you made the right choice. It's beautiful...and as you kiss him goodbye, you smile to yourself, knowing that he'll be right back here in your arms before the end of the day.

Until he isn't. Until you're halfway through cooking dinner and he still hasn't walked through the door. No drama. Sometimes he runs a little late - what with that high pressure job and all - but he always calls you and lets you know when he'll be in.

Until he doesn't. But still, he's probably tired and taking a nap before he heads over to your house...like he does every night. So you give him time to catch a little shut-eye and then you pick up the phone. He doesn't answer. You feel a stab of anxiety, mild and irritating. But you're a grown, rational woman...you stay calm. You try his mobile number...it's switched off. Determined not to become one of those panicky types who monitor their man's whereabouts, you play it cool. You know he'll call by before the end of the evening ... a light supper, a glass of wine...a little amour. Like he always does.

Until he doesn't. You sleep fitfully, used to his arms around you and worried now about what might be wrong. You wake early the next day feeling like hell, go to work determined not to let the dark circles show and you don't mention it to anyone. You don't want to join that cozy little group of women who cluck and fuss and jolly each other out of the doldrums...the doldrums that hit them when their menfolk start acting weird. Absent. Cold. No, you don't want to be one of them.

When you come home you find it difficult to concentrate...he hasn't called yet. He will. He never lets two days go by without speaking to you.

Until now...

Aha...you're beginning to get the drift. For some women these painful absences are short-lived but frequent. For others, more sporadic but also more drawn out. It can be weeks before the LOYL (light of your life) reappears. And it hurts. A lot. You don't know what you've done wrong? Don't even think about it...you probably haven't done a thing and if you have, chances are you'll know all about it. You've probably spent endless hours thinking about it...and him.

The fact that these unpredictable detachments are usually quite sudden serves to make them even more cruel. For you, nothing has changed and you don't want it to change. But you have no say in the matter, do you? I know I don't. And the mere fact of not being in any way in control of this aspect of your life makes it all the more devastating. Enough psych studies out there have shown that one of the most stressful things a person can go through is a lack of control over the things that affect them. So there you are...not in control...stressed...hurt...lonely...missing him.

Wouldn't it be nice to know what he's going through? A woman would have told you by now; discussed it; shared it; halved the burden; let you know she still loves you and is just going through a hard time or two. But she still needs you. Men? Well, it seems they don't. Or perhaps they do...but forget to tell us. That can be dangerous; for them as well as for us. When does his emotional, even physical absence, become betrayal? When is enough enough?

And why am I so hung up on this at the moment? Because that's what I'm going through. It's hard enough when you live in the same house, or even close by, but for me it's been a long distance relationship. When he doesn't call, doesn't answer the phone, doesn't answer my emails or instant messages...well, frankly, he could be dead. I don't know. Let me tell you it sucks. Has he changed his mind about us? I don't know. Has he met someone else? I don't know. Is the distance too much for him to handle? I don't know. Is he ill? I don't know...I don't know...I don't know.

And so I go a little crazy. But I don't let it show...oh, no...I don't want to be one of that cozy little group you see. I want my relationship to work. To be strong. I want to have made the right choice. Two brief phone calls, one of which we were cut off from, is all I've had in the last 4 weeks - with no explanation. Yes, it hurts...it cuts deeply.

So if there are any brave men out there who happen to read to the end of this post, I have this to say to you. "Stay out of the god-damned cave! It's uncivilized.'

To the light of my life, I still love you because I'm more than a bit stubborn. But I tell you something.... if I wanted a cold and silent partner, I'd have bought a salamander.

Self Esteem on the World Wide Web

Disturbingly, when I did a web search on self esteem for women, I came up with 16,000,000 odd entries. A similar search on self esteem for men showed up an also disturbing 2,000,000 or so - that's bad enough and it seems men need support and advice as well.

But clearly women's self esteem in general seems to be in significantly poorer shape. I did the search when my own self esteem was in less than a happy state. I'd read books, spoken to counsellors...you know the drill...but still without any real insights. My internet trawl also showed up some unsettling trends. Most of the self esteem resources for women, although well-meant, focus on how to make the most of our physical attributes; how to lose weight, look after our hair and skin, dress appropriately for our figures. But let's face it, none of those things actually make us feel happy or secure in the long term.

Other resources emphasize how to patch up flagging relationships; how to communicate (or not!) with our partners; how to understand how men think; how to change the way we say or do things in order to get what we want from our partners. In other words, how to manipulate! I'm not saying there's not a lot of value in learning the differences between men and women and using that knowledge to build better relationships. But it isn't the be-all and end-all and I have to say, there are few self-help tools out there that address the male need to understand a woman's different desires, needs and ways of being. And while there is no meeting us half way, there is never going to be any real elevation in esteem for women - either from the world or from ourselves. And where physical appearance is the yardstick, women will always be in competition with each other and therefore isolated from one another. Where there is division there is not strength.

But then, just when I was about to give up I found www.womensselfesteem.com and it's here I found 'a whole lot of different'. I'm now an active member of an exclusively female community who support each others' hopes and dreams, listen to fears and frustrations, advise, share wisdom, laugh, love, and mostly build a beautiful sense of community. In a spirit of acceptance and non-judgement these women build each other up, help each other find their strengths and support each other through thick and thin.

Virtually all the women who've joined the community have said something like, 'I can't believe I'm not the only one who feels this way. I feel understood for the very first time in my life. For the first time I don't feel alone anymore.'

Must be doing something very, very right. If your sense of self could do with a little repair, pay www.womensselfesteem a visit. You'll probably want to stay.

Namaste
Mel

Cowboys and Indians?

Today at work I was reminiscing with a customer about childhood games. She was surprised to see a toy tee-pee and little figurines of cowboys and indians on display at the shop where I work, thinking perhaps that this kind of role play was no longer politically correct.

I saw her point. When we were kids we'd play cowboys and indians for hours in the back yard - my brother was always a cowboy, often the sheriff, and I, of course, being a girl and therefore a second-class citizen, was always the Indian. Now, not for one moment am I espousing the view that either Indians or girls are second-class citizens. God forbid. It's just that when I was growing up, the culture was so drenched in the heady wine of white male dominance, that no-one thought to question it. Our views were shaped from birth and so accepted by the adults around us that even when we intuitively sensed the 'wrongness' in these labels and social mores, we kept our mouths shut and adapted our thinking to fit the mould. We told ourselves, with feathers in our hair, that at least we were exotic and mysterious, if not powerful. But we knew we'd always lose the fight.

Hmm. How many of us still do that, games aside? How many women still look in the mirror and see someone who's inferior, powerless, even uncivilized? (Hidden your true feelings today? Don't want to be too dramatic, do we? Unreasonable?)

Do you still shut your mouth when your husband or boyfriend criticizes you? Feel embarrassed when your feelings are labelled as irrational or insecure? Feel wrong in your own body?

Dozens and dozens of the women I speak to feel like this. I see them in the shop every day - 'if I put it on layby, he'll never know how much I really spent on the kids for Christmas!' from women who hold down full-time, executive positions. 'I'll have to come back later. My husband's outside and he's really impatient!' from women who run businesses and families. I look outside and there he is, feverishly glaring at his watch, pacing the sidewalk, knitting his brows every time she looks at him. These women are all scared, making decisions that don't come from feeling empowered but from being afraid of who they really are; or perhaps from someone else finding out who they really are.

In internet forums and chat rooms I speak to even more intelligent, attractive and capable women whose emotional lives are a misery because of their partner's roving eye, his involvement with pornography or flagrant affairs. Just as disturbing are the hundreds who are no stranger to domestic violence. In 2006, rape statistics are rising, not falling; domestic violence is rife and child abuse an international disgrace. But we're equal I hear you say. Are you sure? I think we have a very, very long way to go.

I don't mean to be a man basher. In fact, my own father was one helluva guy - antiporn, pro-woman, dedicated dad, passionate partner. My most intimate role model has been the best... but...it seems when he left the world, a lot of the dignity and respect for women that surrounded me disintegrated shockingly fast and here I am, left with the current generation and all it's inbred misogyny and covert oppression of the second sex.

I'm now on a journey I started long ago but from which I allowed myself to become sidetracked - by life, relationship disappointment, ill-health, the demands of single parenting and most significantly - fear. It's the journey to embrace my own power, believe in my own values and ideas and learn to say 'no' loudly and emphatically.

I want to pass on the message. There are tools out there; guides to our own empowerment; internet sites dedicated to women's self esteem; support groups; books, CD's, DVD's and most of all, other women. Seize the day! (And sharpen your arrows!)

Mel